Wednesday, June 29, 2011
So I thought today was a good day, it turns out it's not. I feel so overwhelmed about everything but this looming separation takes the cake. I just don't know how I can handle this. It's absolutely hurting me that I can't see Aaron or talk to him in person, that I don't have that support is eating at me. For example, we've got some upcoming car repairs that need to be taken care of, that's his area of expertise and aside from oil changes, he's the one who takes care of that. I hate that he can't be here for the minor body work to be done to our car (which is only 2 yrs old), it may seem petty but I just don't want to handle all that. It's not really the car repairs or anything in particular, I guess I'm just nervous for something to happen that I will need and not have his support since he won't physically be here. Maybe if he was here I would feel differently because if things go wrong I know I can count on him to try to find a solution but that's not the case. I'm almost driven to tears by this thought, I don't know why but I am. My daughter just asked my what I was writing and said that it must be important since I'm typing a lot and quickly. I don't want to have to be like this, I feel selfish for feeling this way, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know... I just want him back, I can't believe that this is only training then on to the real thing which will be infinitely longer, at least it will feel infinitely longer. I hate this feeling, I just want my wonderful husband back... our daughter misses her Daddy so much... please hurry up and let this all be over quickly!!! I feel like crying...
It's getting a little easier day by day but the missing and longing is very much alive. I've spent the past few days cleaning the house and getting errands done (still in the process of finishing up said errands) so there are definitely distractions present which is helpful and also makes the time go by faster than if I were idle. I love hearing from Aaron and try to be available for calls as much as I can which is a bit hard considering the time difference, but never the less I try to be free for those times. He told me he had a cold over there which is probably due to the differing climates and such which made me get a bit sad. I usually make him several cups of ginger tea and give him treats to eat when he's sick so I wish I could do that for him, but alas, I can't. Just counting the days until I can have my wonderful husband back.
Monday, June 27, 2011
So it's been a few days since my Love left for training and I'm doing a lot better than I thought I would. I'm pretty surprised by it but I'm glad that it's turning out this way. As for when the actual deployment happens, that's another story, until that day comes I won't be sure how I'll take it. Our daughter and I are basically entertaining each other in any way we can; watching movies, reading, going online, etc, but it's obviously not as fun and wonderful as when my husband is at home with us. I'm so used to him lounging on the couch while we watch movies or tv, or even when I'm cooking (especially on the weekends), or taking little cat naps in our room and even waiting for him to come home from the gym. Actually that's what our daughter and I feel, that we're perpetually waiting for Aaron to come home from the gym. We can't help feeling that way though; that's usually his stop before coming home after work and often on the weekends if we don't have any major plans. I think it's a bit easier to think of it that way. The nights are much harder though, I'm so used to cuddling with him and listening to him sleep so I can fall asleep. Lately, I've been staying up until around 2am either talking to my sister or parents on the phone just to get sleepy, then waking up around 9 or 10am in the morning. I guess it's kind of better that way since by the time we get up and eat breakfast, etc, half the day is done with. It makes this time away from each other more manageable and go by a bit faster. Obviously, when Fall starts things will get a lot more hectic around here so hopefully the days will pass by twice as fast for our daughter and I. The definite highlight of our day is when Aaron calls us on the phone, I like hearing how his day goes, no matter how mundane it may be. Anything that he tells me I absolutely cherish. I just can't wait for all of this to be over and I can have my wonderful husband back, safe and sound.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
As you can tell by the title I am a proud USAF wife. I'm proud that my husband selflessly volunteered to protect his country and I'm proud to stand by his side and support him in all his endeavors. That being said, we are in the midst of his first deployment, he hasn't left yet and won't leave for a little while but it doesn't ease my anxiety about the whole situation. Right now he is in the States doing some training while our daughter and I are here at his duty station in Europe. He left late this week and it's been absolute agony, I miss him so much and I'm having such a difficult time coping with this training and eventual deployment. My husband and I are by no means newlyweds but our relationship still feels fresh and exciting. We enjoy each others company fully and immerse every available chance we have exploring Europe with our six year old daughter.
Every day starts the same, with me waking up and getting breakfast ready while Aaron takes a shower and gets dressed. Most days I pack him a lunch but sometimes he goes ahead and buys one. When he leaves for work I get our daughter up and ready for school, walk her to the bus stop, then walk myself home. From there, I either do some chores, go online or do homework. Then I pick our daughter up from the bus stop, start dinner and wait for Aaron to come home. At dinner time we all sit around the table, talk about our day then after dinner we all watch a movie or tv. Everyday is more or less the same and that routine and normalcy, or lack of, is driving me crazy... and to think the deployment hasn't even started yet! The days leading up to Aaron leaving for training were agonizing, I cherish everyday that we're together but more so when I knew that there was an actual time frame leading up to his departure. When our daughter and I returned home from seeing Aaron off I immediately cried my eyes out, at the same time feeling utterly selfish that my lovely husband was the one actually getting out of his comfort zone and supporting the mission while I was at home, not training or learning anything new that could potentially save my life or other peoples lives. I can't help it though, I miss him so much and I'm hoping that the days go bye quickly and our daughter and I can be reunited with him. I visited one of the military spouse sites that I frequent, www.milspouse.com, to get some info on how wives cope with deployments to make them a little bit easier and got some great pointers. Mainly, a lot of women said to get a list together of some goals you want to accomplish while your husband is gone and above all to keep busy. I've put together my list which seems daunting to say the least but I don't know where exactly I'll be pulling out the motivation to actually accomplish them. I'm just praying that God can give me the strength for all this and not to feel so depressed. Sadness and loneliness is one thing but depression is a whole different story and I'd rather not partake. I know when school restarts for our daughter and I, things will be a lot more busy but until then I absolutely need to find the strength to tackle some of that to do list, first and foremost the reorganization of my house (did I mention my wonderful husband has a great knack for surprising me with awesome presents and never saying no to anything that I want, which has led up to me needing more space for said presents and things) then the subsequent redecoration of the house. Well, this first post has helped a lot, hopefully writing all my thoughts down can help me feel better about the whole situation.