Reflection 1

A personal reflection on the separation caused by military training and deployment from the perspective of an Air Force wife.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

WOW...

So it's been a few weeks since I've written on here which, thankfully, is due to how busy life has been lately.  Like I said on my last post school has restarted for both my daughter and I so it's been a zoo around here.  Couple that with my endless buying and sending of care packages to Aaron and it makes one busy Nicole.
I have to say, though, that despite how busy I am I still can help but think about Aaron every waking minute of my day.  I just miss him so much, it helps though that we can talk and skype often enough but still, nothing beats having him right here by our side.  I'm really glad it's September, though, I feel like too much went on in August that I just needed the month to change so I can feel these days tick off of the calendar.  I'm extremely thankful that my husband calls as much as he does, it brings some normalcy to this situation because he would do that when he was in his regular squadron.  On another note, I went to the craft store on base last Friday and I spent around $30 on what amounted to be a bunch of paper and cutouts, LOL!!!  Fall being my favorite time of year and it seems like our daughter's as well, I wanted to make it extra special this year since Aaron isn't with us at the moment so I decided to buy a bunch of Fall and Halloween inspired papers and cutouts so we can decorate and send some crafts to Aaron and my parents and possibly his mother as well.  We made collages and bookmarks so it was a pretty fun bonding experience for the both of us.  Anyhow, it's getting late and I have a full day ahead so until next time...

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

And it begins...

So it's been a few weeks since I've written anything in this blog and that's because of a few good reasons.  First of all I wanted to spend as much time with Aaron and our daughter as I could before he had to leave for the long haul and secondly, after he left I just wanted things to sink in before I attempted to put anything down in words.  It's been a while since he's left and I'm doing pretty well, I literally only cried once, the day he left, for about five minutes.  Before that, though, when Aaron was still here, it was pretty difficult for me to keep the tears back.  I've heard from other people in this same position that the anticipation to the big day of seeing your spouse off is far worse than actually seeing them go.  That's exactly how I felt, that isn't to say though that him not being here doesn't hurt because it does, a lot.  I feel so bad for our daughter especially because all she can talk about is how much she misses her Dad, how it is when Dad's here, what we're going to be doing when Dad comes back.  She hasn't cried about it but I could still see the sadness in her eyes which is very difficult because she's not that type of person.  She's extremely happy all the time, especially when she's with her Dad because she's Daddy's little girl in all senses of the word.
It's helping, though, that we've got a lot of things going on with school starting for her next week and school starting for me this past Monday.  It's only been three days of school and I'm already stressed, hahaha, but I'm so blessed to have that so that the time passes by faster with it.  We're still trying to re-establish routines and I suspect it'll be easier once she goes back to school next week so that'll be helpful.  I'll try to post as much as I can, at least 3-4 times a week which would be good for me to vent, etc.  Anyhow, until next time...

Friday, August 5, 2011

Finally!!!

So the time finally came and Aaron returned to us safe and sound.  Our daughter and I are extremely happy that he's back but I can't help but feel like there is a veil of unhappiness surrounding our feelings.  Obviously this is due to the fact that he'll be leaving us very soon to deploy and of course we'll miss him even more since he'll be gone for a far longer time than before.  I don't have much else to write about right now so until next time...

Monday, July 25, 2011

Time flies...

Time sure has been passing by quickly lately now that Aaron will be back in a little over a week.  It feels weird writing that because in the beginning I was sure that time would be lagging, but now I feel like where has all the time gone.  I still need to reorganize the kitchen and bathroom cabinet, then thankfully I'm done.  Hopefully Aaron gets the leave he requested when he comes back because we need to spend more time before he leaves. I don't have much to write right now so until later...

Friday, July 22, 2011

Counting down...

This week was yet again a hectic one.  I've been slowly but surely getting this reorganization project completed, I just need to reorganize the kitchen and bathroom cabinets and I'm done, thank goodness!!!  This passed Tuesday was our wedding anniversary and I was feeling really down, I didn't cry but I definitely felt like it.  I'm just tired of crying, which is what I did for most of the first week, so I tried my hardest to not give in to the urge. I just can't wait for Aaron to come home in a few weeks, I'm just so excited for that day.  Our daughter and I are already planning his homecoming but at the same time I keep telling myself that not long after that he'll be gone again and it won't be for a month!  I still can't believe this is happening and on top of all that a few things have gone wrong at home that NEVER went wrong when Aaron was here.  For example 3 different light bulbs went out within a day of eachother, that may not sound like a big deal but in the nearly one year we've been living in this house that hasn't happened.  Then our wall clock in the living room died, which hasn't happened before, either.  Okay, okay, so that doesn't seem too bad either, hopefully that'll be the extent of anything bad!!!

I just want things to go back to normal and I'm most likely going to have to wait until next year for that to happen...

Saturday, July 16, 2011

So much going on...

This week has been pretty hectic for both Aaron and I, but for different reasons.  I've been buying storage containers and drawers and reorganizing the house.  Aaron, on the other hand, has been busy with all the rigorous training that he's been assigned to do, most of the time clocking in 18 hour days. He's actually been so good about calling and making time for our daughter and me.  I keep on telling him that I completely understand that he's busy and tired so there isn't any need to call all the time but he's so devoted to keeping in touch that he calls us every chance that he gets.
I actually missed his call today since our daughter and I went on base to run some errands so I was a bit disappointed about that but I'm sure I'll get a call later on.  I actually feel like this months finally going by fast enough for me and hopefully that's how it'll be when the actual deployment is underway.  In the meantime, I'm busying my self with this reorganization and my goal is to have everything done before my Love comes back home.  I just want our daughter and I to spend as much time with Aaron that we can because he will be gone for a while and we love him so much!!!

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

been awhile...

So it's been a few days since I last wrote and for good reason.  As much as I am missing my husband I can't help but think about some of the stuff that I read on milspouse.com about husbands acting up during TDY's and deployments.  Some went as far as e-mailing their spouses for a divorce while still deployed.  I thought that was absolutely ridiculous and unforgivable no matter how much pressure the service member is under.  In our case, my husband is well aware that if it wasn't for my daughter and I both being in school, I wouldn't hesitate going back to my parents and living there until he comes back from deployment.  As much as I love being in Europe, I'm not particularly found of our current location, especially since he's not with us during that time frame.  Anyhow, I debated with myself as to if and how I would bring this up to him and last night I gave in and talked to him about it.  I simply told my husband that I was on the milspouse site and was reading up about deployment issues when I came across this particular post.  I gave him some of the details of certain situation and in the end I told him that if I even have an inkling that he's going to bring something up like that to me, my daughter and I are packing our bags and leaving, simple as that.  I also mentioned to him some of the lengths that certain troops went to cheat on their wives, and in some cases getting the other service member pregnant.  He assured me that that won't happen to us and I do believe him but I thought it something that we should address because it is a real occurrence in our military community.  I will not waste our daughters' or my time in a place we don't want to be just for him to hurt us, because that would not only hurt me but would greatly affect or daughter as well.  I just feel better that I brought that up to him.
Another thing we talked about afterward, which I didn't bring up, he did, was when we should try for another baby.  After lots of consideration we both felt that if we were going to do this, we would do it after our vacation in the States in the end of June.  He thought that was a brilliant idea and we're decided, that definitely makes me feel that our marriage has more solidarity and I love it.  I miss him so much and our daughter does as well.  We still have a few more weeks before he comes back and need to really put a dent in this reorganization so today, our daughter and went and bought more storage containers and will do so again on Thursday.  Until the next time...

Friday, July 8, 2011

Dealing with it...

Another week is almost over and I think I'm coping rather well.  Of course I miss Aaron and long for him to be here with us but I'm dealing with the separation and making the most of it.  I'm trying to get a lot of stuff done at home and things are slowly and surely coming together.  I don't have much to say today except that I love my husband and our daughter and I can't wait to be reunited with him!

Monday, July 4, 2011

Independence Day

So today is the 4th of July, Independence Day, a time for celebration, family bbq's, fireworks and all around merriment.  In the midst of all the celebration we sometimes forget what this holiday is all about.  We celebrate the 4th of July because 235 years ago, America became America when we won our independence from British rule.  Today, while we aren't fighting for independence, we are, however,still in the middle of three wars. That means that thousands of miles away we have our American men and women no where near their families so they can defend our country and for that I salute them, thank you for all you do!
This Independence Day has been a quiet one for our daughter and I.  We did some laundry, watched a bunch of movies and had some chicken cacciatore for dinner then watched the fire works show on base from my master bedroom balcony.  All that was missing was Aaron and it broke my heart when our daughter mentioned that, saying how much she wished her Dad was here with us.  I couldn't help but think of all the holidays and special occasions that we wouldn't be spending together because of his deployment.  Our daughter is aware of this but it hasn't settled in and I imagine that it won't until he actually leaves.  I'm just praying everything goes by quickly and we reunite with Aaron, who comes back to us safe and sound.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Busy is good...

The past few days have been a bit hectic and busy which is a welcome distraction since it feels like the days go by faster.  When things die down, that's when the sadness slowly creeps in, that's the time I remember that at the end of my day Aaron's day is just beginning... a world away.  I miss the hugs, cuddles and kisses, all I can do is count the days down and look forward to our reunion.  Making the best of the little time we have together before he has to leave again.  I can't help but wonder how it is for those wives or husbands whose spouses are being deployed frequently... does it get easier each time their spouse leaves or does it hurt just as much as the first time?  I hope that this is something that we don't have to re-experience for a long time, again with the selfishness but I can't help it.  I just need to focus on the stuff I need to take care of now, while he's back, when he leaves again and when we are finally reunited.  Looking forward to our Spring time trip then back to the States to visit our families helps tremendously.  I miss him so much and love him with all my heart...  I can't wait to see you again Babes!!!

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

not so much...

So I thought today was a good day, it turns out it's not.  I feel so overwhelmed about everything but this looming separation takes the cake.  I just don't know how I can handle this.  It's absolutely hurting me that I can't see Aaron or talk to him in person, that I don't have that support is eating at me.  For example, we've got some upcoming car repairs that need to be taken care of, that's his area of expertise and aside from oil changes, he's the one who takes care of that.  I hate that he can't be here for the minor body work to be done to our car (which is only 2 yrs old), it may seem petty but I just don't want to handle all that.  It's not really the car repairs or anything in particular, I guess I'm just nervous for something to happen that I will need and not have his support since he won't physically be here.  Maybe if he was here I would feel differently because if things go wrong I know I can count on him to try to find a solution but that's not the case.  I'm almost driven to tears by this thought, I don't know why but I am.  My daughter just asked my what I was writing and said that it must be important since I'm typing a lot and quickly.  I don't want to have to be like this, I feel selfish for feeling this way, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know...  I just want him back, I can't believe that this is only training then on to the real thing which will be infinitely longer, at least it will feel infinitely longer.  I hate this feeling, I just want my wonderful husband back...  our daughter misses her Daddy so much...  please hurry up and let this all be over quickly!!!  I feel like crying...

hanging in...

It's getting a little easier day by day but the missing and longing is very much alive.  I've spent the past few days cleaning the house and getting errands done (still in the process of finishing up said errands) so there are definitely distractions present which is helpful and also makes the time go by faster than if I were idle.  I love hearing from Aaron and try to be available for calls as much as I can which is a bit hard considering the time difference, but never the less I try to be free for those times.  He told me he had a cold over there which is probably due to the differing climates and such which made me get a bit sad.  I usually make him several cups of ginger tea and give him treats to eat when he's sick so I wish I could do that for him, but alas, I can't.  Just counting the days until I can have my wonderful husband back.

Monday, June 27, 2011

It's going to be okay...

So it's been a few days since my Love left for training and I'm doing a lot better than I thought I would.  I'm pretty surprised by it but I'm glad that it's turning out this way.  As for when the actual deployment happens, that's another story, until that day comes I won't be sure how I'll take it.  Our daughter and I are basically entertaining each other in any way we can; watching movies, reading, going online, etc, but it's obviously not as fun and wonderful as when my husband is at home with us.  I'm so used to him lounging on the couch while we watch movies or tv, or even when I'm cooking (especially on the weekends), or taking little cat naps in our room and even waiting for him to come home from the gym.  Actually that's what our daughter and I feel, that we're perpetually waiting for Aaron to come home from the gym.  We can't help feeling that way though; that's usually his stop before coming home after work and often on the weekends if we don't have any major plans.  I think it's a bit easier to think of it that way.  The nights are much harder though, I'm so used to cuddling with him and listening to him sleep so I can fall asleep.  Lately, I've been staying up until around 2am either talking to my sister or parents on the phone just to get sleepy, then waking up around 9 or 10am in the morning.  I guess it's kind of better that way since by the time we get up and eat breakfast, etc, half the day is done with.  It makes this time away from each other more manageable and go by a bit faster.  Obviously, when Fall starts things will get a lot more hectic around here so hopefully the days will pass by twice as fast for our daughter and I.  The definite highlight of our day is when Aaron calls us on the phone, I like hearing how his day goes, no matter how mundane it may be.  Anything that he tells me I absolutely cherish.  I just can't wait for all of this to be over and I can have my wonderful husband back, safe and sound.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Training

As you can tell by the title I am a proud USAF wife.  I'm proud that my husband selflessly volunteered to protect his country and I'm proud to stand by his side and support him in all his endeavors. That being said, we are in the midst of his first deployment, he hasn't left yet and won't leave for a little while but it doesn't ease my anxiety about the whole situation.  Right now he is in the States doing some training while our daughter and I are here at his duty station in Europe. He left late this week and it's been absolute agony, I miss him so much and I'm having such a difficult time coping with this training and eventual deployment.  My husband and I are by no means newlyweds but our relationship still feels fresh and exciting.  We enjoy each others company fully and immerse every available chance we have  exploring Europe with our six year old daughter.
Routines...
Every day starts the same, with me waking up and getting breakfast ready while Aaron takes a shower and gets dressed.  Most days I pack him a lunch but sometimes he goes ahead and buys one.  When he leaves for work I get our daughter up and ready for school, walk her to the bus stop, then walk myself home.  From there, I either do some chores, go online or do homework.  Then I pick our daughter up from the bus stop, start dinner and wait for Aaron to come home.  At dinner time we all sit around the table, talk about our day then after dinner we all watch a movie or tv.  Everyday is more or less the same and that routine and normalcy, or lack of, is driving me crazy... and to think the deployment hasn't even started yet!  The days leading up to Aaron leaving for training were agonizing, I cherish everyday that we're together but more so when I knew that there was an actual time frame leading up to his departure.  When our daughter and I returned home from seeing Aaron off I immediately cried my eyes out, at the same time feeling utterly selfish that my lovely husband was the one actually getting out of his comfort zone and supporting the mission while I was at home, not training or learning anything new that could potentially save my life or other peoples lives.  I can't help it though, I miss him so much and I'm hoping that the days go bye quickly and our daughter and I can be reunited with him.  I visited one of the military spouse sites that I frequent, www.milspouse.com, to get some info on how wives cope with deployments to make them a little bit easier and got some great pointers.  Mainly, a lot of women said to get a list together of some goals you want to accomplish while your husband is gone and above all to keep busy.  I've put together my list which seems daunting to say the least but I don't know where exactly I'll be pulling out the motivation to actually accomplish them.  I'm just praying that God can give me the strength for all this and not to feel so depressed.  Sadness and loneliness is one thing but depression is a whole different story and I'd rather not partake.  I know when school restarts for our daughter and I, things will be a lot more busy but until then I absolutely need to find the strength to tackle some of that to do list, first and foremost the reorganization of my house (did I mention my wonderful husband has a great knack for surprising me with awesome presents and never saying no to anything that I want, which has led up to me needing more space for said presents and things) then the subsequent redecoration of the house. Well, this first post has helped a lot, hopefully writing all my thoughts down can help me feel better about the whole situation.